5+am

Oh man.. It's like 5+am...? & I'm still awake. I can't sleep. So many thoughts. All still up and running. My brain is practically overworking thinking all these things. You know, when you check the Task Manager in your computer & it's utilizating almost all your computer memory that's it's so annoyingly lagging your computer that you just terminate it? Well, my brains are like running high processes that just can't be terminated anyhow anyway. Damn. I can't terminate explorer.exe in my brain. That would just mean coma. I can't reboot. That would mean dead for awhile? I can't shut down. That would mean dead forever. I just want to hibernate (sleep). Why cannot??? What can I do? I've to look for tools to terminate these high processes. During a time like this, it is just so great that some people are so supportive and being so much of a help by inputting more nonsense into my already jammed up processor. I'm being sacarstic okay. I think maybe I should go live by myself? If I can find that cheap, nice place and know the roads around. I should totally live by myself. What the heck. Nobody cares about what I think anyway. I'm like what...? Five years old to them...? Everyone wants and expects different things from me. Gimme a break and understand my situation okay. I'm like going to land in the mental hospital trying to cope with everything going on. Some inputs are like totally not helping okay. Did I just kind of repeated myself? No idea. I'm really unsure what I'm doing for like the past few hours? Make that the past half a day+. I've never drink beer/wine/stuff like that but I was asking for some just now. No, I didn't get any. In fact, if someone would so kindly buy some for me now, I think I will dunk it in. Just to forget everything. Did I just agreed to drink something I hate? I am like so totally hate my life now. I've to go put on fake faces for people around me these few days. The one person who I can be true to like wants nothing to do with me now...? Is there a meaning to my life now? NO. Should I even bother to carry on? I want to shut down. (5.38am now and I am still wide awake. Thoughts at the moment: Why are some people so evil?! What did I do that caused my situation now?). O ya. Thank you so much God for kicking me when I'm down (on Thursday). That was so helpful. Shut down shut down shut down... Where's my shut down button... I can't find it. Anyone know where is it? God? Shut me down? (5.43am) I think I could doze off if I land on the bed but I would probably keep waking up due to nightmares (it happens almost all the time when my brain is processing on high mode) and would probably make me more tired. Should I even bother going to bed? It's like, almost 6am? I could go for a walk/jog. Maybe I will get shut down then. I hate my life (at this point). I need some hugs. Where can I get some? *sobs* (5.48am)


The song playing in my mind now...

Happily Never After

"I don't think I want this anymore"
As she drops the ring to the floor
She says to herself, "You've left before"
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure"

And he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path
To the driveway
She had never gone that far

Normally this would be the time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving
But this time, without crying
as she got into her car, she said

"No, Happily Never After
That just ain't for me
Because finally, I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall"

As she drove away she starts to smile
Realized she hadn't for a while
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial

She was laughing about the way he shattered something else
To drag her suitcase down the path
To the driveway
She had never gone that far
Normally this would be the time that she
Would let him talk her out of leaving
But this time, without crying
As she got into her car, she said

"No, Happily Never After
That just ain't for me
Because finally, I know
I deserve better, after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall"

I'm done, I'm done, said I'm so done
I'm free, I'm free, so free
Free to feel the way I feel, yeah

She inhales a breath she'd never breathed before
Don't want no drama no more

Cause she says "No, Happily Never After
That just ain't for me
I know I deserve better after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall"

"No, Happily Never After
That just ain't for me because finally
I know I deserve better after all
I'll never let another teardrop fall"

Said I'm done, I'm done, I'm done